Removed from Guilt.

Keith proposed to me tonight, or rather, he proposed an interesting idea.

"You can only feel bad about that if you stop feeling bad about something else..."
Novel for me.
I stopped and stared.  He looked back at me with confusion and said, "What do you feel so guilty about?"

My answer may surprise you.
I feel guilty about EVERYTHING.

This all began when a friend visited our home, and we broke the news- we're moving.
Sad, happy, all that jazz.  This particular friend is hurt by our decision, and is clearly blaming me.
When Keith was away from us for a moment, he wasted no time in telling me how difficult it would be for Keith to be at home.  Hinting that I could have just as easily found a job in Skokie (not! I tried!). I knew that this was going to be a hard conversation, but felt hurt right back - it wasn't an easy thing for Keith and I to decide to move the family, dogs, and all our stuff far far away. But, it was a family decision, and I stand behind it. So, thankfully, does he (Keith).

So, as soon as he left, I began feeling bad about upsetting our friend.
I can't control it, I know it doesn't make sense.

So Keith told me I was only allowed to feel bad about it if I gave up some other guilt in exchange.

Then he dropped the question, "What are you so guilty about?"
I started sharing things down a mental list, and he was flabbergasted.

I feel bad about:

• Worrying about my son
• Feeling unprepared for school - even after hours of preparation
• Making him move
• Relying on my parents more often than I'd like. 
• Recycling (We do, but aren't militant) 
• Cleaning (less than I should, but more than I want to) 
• Purchasing without extreme coupons (I feel bad now every time I save less than 90%)
• Leaving our friends
• Leaving my students
• Not feeling bad about leaving in general. 
• Not being more religious
• Missing people's birthdays and anniversaries
• Only visiting his family once every two years or so

And so much more. (this was a very partial list) 

I don't know where the guilt comes from, the concern. 

But, I'm taking a note from Keith- I'll try not to feel bad about random stuff anymore. 

When I asked him what he feels bad about, his answer surprised me too. "Very little."

So, from today on... unless I did something bad, I'm going to try to release some of the overwhelming guilt and concern. 

It's unnecessary!~